Dear Money Lady readers,
Were you a helicopter parent when your children were small and now you’re a money copter parent with your adult children?
Helicopter parents were mainly from my generation because we were overly focused about our children’s experiences and problems, wanting to dive in and rescue them from life’s hardships. By definition, a helicopter parent is one who was extremely attentive to their child’s experiences, problems and particularly their education. These hovering parents were constantly ready to swoop in to rescue their children at the first sign of trouble. It is said that the term helicopter parent only became apparent through social media in the early 2000s when college and university staff started experiencing consistent and intrusive behaviours from the pushy, opinionated parents of new students.
Nowadays many have become money copter parents too, believing their adult children will not make it without the monetary assistance from the parent. Add in the mental torment of a divorce when your child was young, and you now have a parent today feeling it’s warranted to keep supplementing their adult child due to their own personal regret. Many 50+ parents still have an open-door policy with their adult children, living at home with no costs, free rent and the fridge full.
While helping our children is something we expect to do as parents, it is important to realize the long-term cost this can have on our own futures as well as the future of our adult children. I want to share a personal story with you, one that I have just witnessed again with another family member repeating the same mistakes as my mom. My mother always felt regret and a sense of need to financially support my sister. Maybe it was due to hardships after my father’s death or perhaps because my sister and I were adopted. The reality is, because of this consistent financial support, my sister never learned to save money or, for that matter, how to earn it and build an independent future. Both my mother and my sister took the easy way out of their relationship through money. Did it benefit either one of them? No. My sister always felt it was never enough, and she only learned how to prosper financially when the money eventually ran out and she was forced to change at almost 50 years of age. My mother lost most of her retirement savings and gained a daughter with resentment. Now, of course, there is a lot more to this story, and it took 35 years to transpire, but the message is still there. Let your adult kids figure it out for themselves. Let them make mistakes with money. Let them value their careers and want to aspire for more out of their lives for themselves and their own family. Stop trying to make it easy and constantly offering a bail out. Did you get a bail out when you were a young adult or did you learn your life lessons from hard work and inner drive?
A child in their late 20s and 30s that is being supplemented to maintain their lifestyle does not view this as an act of love, even when the parent thinks it is. Be careful, your so-called monetary love will, after a while, be expected. All adult children want is true unconditional love, care and emotional support from their parents. They want to be nurtured and cherished, and this can never be done with money. The helicopter parents started out being their children’s cheerleaders. They didn’t throw money at them or pay off credit card bills and school debts. They loved their kids, stuck up for them and told them “they could do anything.” And our kids can. They are the most educated generation of all time. They are amazing young adults. Let them figure out their money themselves. Stop bailing out your children and concentrate on your next adventure: retirement. Let your kids make mistakes. They can figure out their own way without you.
Written by Christine Ibbotson, author, finance writer, national radio host, and now on CTV Morning Live, and CTV News @ 6 syndicated across Canada. Send your questions through her website at askthemoneylady.ca.