Courier columns – Mark Taylor’s Rollin’ on the River

“What do you say to a beer? Are you new in town sailor?” – Norm from Cheers

I have to admit that I love to read the stories in the Microsoft News Feeds on the internet. I am also not so naïve to believe they are just randomly set up either. The one that cracked me up this past week as the headline that read, “If your indoor cat vomits, do this every day.” I don’t have a cat so I didn’t bother to even do my usual skimming. Plus, I knew what was going on anyway. You see, you should make sure that your cat doesn’t go out drinking at the “Crow-Bar” all the time. Any dummy would know that it’s the spot where all the animals go to drink – at least the party animals.

Another headline that caught my eye and I didn’t read it was U.S. President Joe Biden saying, “Hate has no place in America.” Well Joe, maybe not but it certainly has a place in Canada. The list of things I hate could fill three Couriers so there’s no sense in me even trying to come up with them all but I’ll pick a few off the top of this noggin. Let me see – people who don’t use signal lights, stepping on Lego in my bare feet, my phone ringing randomly, turnip, hiccups and people who stand in line for 10 minutes and still don’t know what to order. Joe, we’ll do just fine up here with some old-fashioned hate. Plus, we all know people that we’d unplug their life support in order to charge our phone.

I think I should donate my brain to science because there can’t be anybody else that thinks the way I do and they should try to figure out why I have so many good ideas. Just like the Chihuahuas. You know, the old Jack Handy quote that if dogs ever take over the world, they should go by size because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. I put that explanation in ‘cause I know there is probably at least one person who wouldn’t know what I was talking about. Believe it or not, I was driving the other day and a word came up out of my “skool” days that I have no idea where it came from. Of course, it was, “Onomatopoeia”.

Even though I knew the word, I didn’t know the meaning of it which never stops me from still using it in a conversation. When I got home, I relied on that know-it-all Google person to tell me. It is the process of creating a word that phonetically imitates, resembles, or suggests the sound that it describes. I even have some examples – oink, roar, fart and meow.

The last topic I have for this column is a bit of a fun one, so I left it to the last. I read where the governor of South Carolina, Henry McMaster, has quietly signed into law a bill that requires inmates on death row to choose between a firing squad or the electric chair if lethal injection is not available. I say, “good on him.” Finally, somebody who likes some variety and doesn’t mind having options for people. Even though they haven’t executed anybody since 2011, it’s great to know that even killers have alternatives.

I guess there is a shortage of lethal injections which I found puzzling. You mean to tell me that as far as we’ve evolved as a society, we can’t come up with a concoction that would kill people? This closes up the loophole for people like me who would choose lethal injections, knowing full well they didn’t have any on hand. It’s like me asking for hacksaw files and left-handed screwdrivers. The one thing I do hope they keep in place is being able to order your favourite food for the last meal thing. Holy smokes, it’s the least we can do for felons who have taken time out of their days to torture and murder people. For goodness sake, honk if you love peace and quiet.

Mark Taylor is a long time Courier columnist whose views on life and living are usually unconventional and definitely outside of the box. He’s a true Charlotte County boy who has the right to remain silent, but not the ability.