Courier columns – Rollin’ on the River with Mark Taylor

Last week I was watching a ball game when an umpire made a call that the batter had been hit by a pitch. From what I could tell, he must’ve been hit by the wind off the ball as he certainly didn’t appear to be in any pain. The slow-motion replay revealed it hit his pant leg. Of course, I was quick to figure out how I could possibly make the leap to the majors. If the Blue Jays want somebody who is effective in getting on base, I’m their guy. When I was my turn to bat, I’d slip into a pair of bell-bottom jeans and snuggle up the plate wearing a coat of armor on my upper body. I would have to put on a Pant Leg Cuff Clip when I was running the bases. Now there’s a term I bet you didn’t think you’d ever see again.

I think the people who post the headlines on the internet news feeds must be on some hardcore stuff because some of them are way out there. One I read recently said, “The Cheapest Pets You Can Own.” Really? As far as I can tell, they’re all cheap because none of them ever bought me any gifts; for any occasion. I remember seeing a woman talking to her cat and thought it understood her. I went home and told my dog and boy; did we have a good laugh.

Here’s another good one headline – “Fourteen things you probably didn’t know about Brie Larson.” I think they can make it 15 because I don’t know who she is and I’ve never heard tell of her. I didn’t read the story, but maybe her dog buys her Christmas presents. Also, speaking of people I’ve never heard of, I keep seeing a Poker Stars ad on Sportsnet where a guy named Neymar Jr. says “He’s in” when it comes to playing cards. I get that hiring celebrities helps sell your products, but to me, they may as well have gotten two guys named Johnny and Kenny playing crib at a hunting camp in McDougall Lake instead of this guy.

Stephanie Grisham, one of former President Donald Trump’s most senior and longest-serving advisers, has written a tell-all book called “I’ll Take Your Questions Now: What I Saw at the Trump White House.” It may be hard to believe, but she alleges that Trump and his aides forged a culture of lying during their four years in the White House. Yeah, telling fibs. It’s too bad they didn’t get a hold of me because I know a story of a little guy named Johnny who was always lying and his teacher had enough of it. I have a feeling it may have helped out.

She went to the principal and told him he needed to do something about it. The principal pledged that he would fix it by telling Johnny an absolutely wild tale to scare him. The next day Johnny came to school late and explained that on his way to school, he saw a bunch of trout jumping in a brook by his house. He snagged a two-and-a-half pound trout and had to go home and gut it or his mother would have gotten mad at him. The teacher didn’t believe him and sent him to the principal’s office. The principal said on his way to school, a giant bear came out of the woods and was just about to attack him when a little dog came along, tripped up the attacker and killed him on the spot. When he left the dog was eating the bear. The principal exclaimed, “Now Johnny, what do you think of that story?” Johnny looked right at him and replied, “Heck, that’s my dog Sparky and that’s his third bear this week!”

Mark Taylor is a long time Courier columnist whose views on life and living are usually unconventional and definitely outside of the box. He’s a true Charlotte County boy who has the right to remain silent, but not the ability.