Courier columns; Rollin’ on the River with Mark Taylor

I named my dog 5 Miles so I can tell people I walk 5 Miles every day

I get a kick out of some media reports after somebody has been knocked off in a murder case. Many times they will report, “victim was known to police.” For one thing, I don’t know why it is even relevant if the cops knew them or not? I used to know a few cops and if I was murdered, would they have said I was known to police? I realize the reporters don’t just make it up either. I’m sure there’s a cop somewhere saying, “Yeah, we knew this guy pretty well. He was always in Tim Horton’s whenever we were in there.” This is like the time a guy told me, “That guy must drink some booze. Every time I’m in the liquor store, he’s in there!”

Every once in a while, I’ll hear a saying that has not been used in a long time. I heard somebody call his wife a “battleaxe.” It’s been so long since I heard that, I wasn’t even sure what it meant. I THINK that back in the day, it was somebody who was super-hard to get along with and wasn’t a lot of fun to be around. I would say it sounds like something that would be in the Honeymooners or shows like that. I realize that the climate has changed a bit and this probably wouldn’t float nowadays. It would get you canceled. Another term I sued to hear all the time was “get-ups.”

Although I was very young, I could gather enough information to know that somebody’s apparel was not suitable. It was probably my mother talking about women on TV and how they wore the “worst get-ups.” I do know that when you’re talking to the television, you can be a s loud as you want. Of course, I’m speaking from experience on that topic. It’s when they are in front of you in line at Tim Horton’s that you whisper, “Would ya look at the get-up on her? I bet she’s known to police.”

I read about how the government has stated they have a new way to make travelling a whole lot easier when you encounter construction zones and get in line-ups. It’s called the “zipper merge.” I want to say I’m not an expert on this, but I THINK it deals with scooting out onto the empty lane and go to the stop sign at the front of the line and wiggle your way back into line. I read about a guy who did that on the Harbour Bridge last summer and somebody punched the rear window out of his car. The story I read even called it “often-misunderstood.” Ya think? I’m not trying to promote violence in any way but do know that things don’t change very quickly where I come from. Even the thought that somebody was trying to stickhandle around traffic and weasel back in line, might not float. I’ve seen that happen inside a coffee shop line-up where no vehicles were present and it started a racket. Ain’t hatin’, just statin’.

I am now at the age where I realize that perhaps it’s time to give up my Olympic dream. That is, until I saw some hockey players doing it with fans and that is a rock, paper and scissors competition. I thought it would be a great sport to include in the Olympics. If I made the team, I’d be all over it. I’d develop a book on all the top players in the world and study their trends. Do they repeat the same move, do they go through all three consecutively? As you can see, there is a lot to this and when I dominate the RPSL, you can look at this column as the turning point. “You remember that nut that said he was going to the Olympics? He’s in the gold medal match against an American right after the decathlon. I think he must be a big fan of Sting because the announcer said he was known by the Police.”

Mark Taylor is a long time Courier columnist whose views on life and living are usually unconventional and definitely outside of the box. He’s a true Charlotte County boy who has the right to remain silent, but not the ability.