Courier Columns: Rollin’ on the River with Mark Taylor

You might be a redneck if your birth announcement included the term “rug rat”

I don’t know about you, but I certainly have been involved in seminars and classroom settings where the instructor will say, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question.” This always brings a chuckle but doesn’t stop people from asking the proverbial stupid questions. I don’t know if newly-appointed White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki made this statement before her very first press conference, but it certainly had no effect if she did. Bear in mind, this was during President Joe Biden’s first day in office; mere hours after officially taking over the reigns of arguably the world’s greatest and most powerful nation. Some of the questions were probably easy as she actually knew the answers. “Who is Joe gonna call first?”

She said he’s calling Prime Minister Justin Trudeau first, which made perfect sense given the proximity of the two countries and the connection between us and them. I think she did an admirable job given the circumstances. Getting back to initial premise, one guy said, “Is President Biden planning on doing some travelling and if so, where is he going?” I have to give this woman full marks as I know I would not have been able to answer this one without handing out some sarcasm. She looked right at the guy and told him they’ve only been in power about seven hours and it’s a little early to be making travel plans. This guy’s cave must not have internet connections or any sort of satellite TV programming that may have thrown out some reports of a global pandemic at some point in time.

I’ve heard of people asking stuff like, “If I ate myself, would I get twice as big or completely disappear?” Another good one is when people wonder why is a quarter to four is fifteen minutes to four o’clock when everybody knows a quarter is worth 25 cents, not fifteen? Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as a stupid question.

I want to make a confession that I may not be the world’s shrewdest shopper. I tend to skim products without giving it much thought. No, I don’t take a list as that would mean that I actually had a clue about what stuff I actually need. Such was the case when I recently bought a can of Febreze “Wood” air freshener. You KNOW I never even gave it a test spray; I just chucked into the cart and kept on going. Upon inspection, I discovered it was amber, oud and cedar scented and I was familiar with 33.3 per cent of them. Cedar was something that I’d heard of, but the other two kinds of wood were new to me. I have to say that it is actually a nice scent but let’s face it, everybody knows why people have these things in their bathrooms. I remember when I had a pine scented spray and I got tired of fielding questions about whether somebody had pooped out a Christmas tree so I threw it out. This one’s a keeper as it smells like a woodshed and we all know how appealing that is to the nose.

I have a Jeff Foxworthy “You might be a Redneck” desk calendar and it has come to me that people who read these jokes or hear them are from three separate categories.

1. You laugh at them and think how out to lunch somebody must be to do stuff like that.

2. You read them and think, “Now that’s a great idea; I never thought of that!”

3. You read them again and again and can’t find anything working with them.

I’ll give you some examples of the most recent entries and maybe it will become clear to you to what category you belong. You might be a Redneck if, “you have a favourite rag, you whistle at women in church, or your favourite meal comes on a stick.” I ain’t here to judge and I’m sure not going to tell ya where I fit in either.

Mark Taylor is a a longtime Courier columnist whose views on life and living are usually unconventional and definitely outside of the box. He’s a true Charlotte County boy who has the right to remain silent, but not the ability.