Courier columns – Rollin’ on the River with Mark Taylor

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with them later.” – Mitch Hedberg

I think it’s safe to say we’re all getting a little older and I really realized it when the U.S. Government started talking about dolling out trillions of dollars to help out Americans struggling with the current pandemic. Yeah, I’m talking trillions – a million million or a 12 digits after the 1. I remember a time when I thought a billion dollars was a lot of dough. The way that everybody is throwing around numbers like these, I’m getting to the point where I’m not going to let me feet hit the cold floor in the morning if a million isn’t involved in it. I think it’s gotten to the point that if you ain’t got a seven-figure bank account, you couldn’t afford to buy socks for a canary.

I guess they recently had the Grammy’s which I seem to have missed out on completely. I did hear some chatter about more people boycotting it than were willing to take part. I think one of the coolest reasons is the people who stayed away because they weren’t nominated because that would be my excuse for sure. It’s kind of like the old Groucho Marx quote – “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” I can’t wait for the Oscars to come along so I can continue with my boycotting of awards shows.

I’ve mentioned before that the Microsoft News Feeds are a great source of information. Here’s one I saw recently – “Pocologan residents may get a credit card regardless of credit score.” Yeah, this one really got me going. How can these people pull this off when the rest of us can’t? No wonder Fluffy Taylor can’t get an American Express Platinum or Black Card. I guess all those record purchases he made from Columbia House back in the day don’t mean a thing these days.

Another story that caught my eye was the one about the 19-year-old Brampton driver who faces stunt driving-related charges after Ontario Provincial Police “allegedly” clocked his vehicle at 221 km/h west of Newmarket. I’ve never had a car that would go that fast but if I get hooked up with the right credit arrangements, I will certainly get one. I’ll tell ya what I do get, and that’s why people would drive like this and we’ve all probably been there. Actually, there are two reasons – you’ve either got a dodgy stomach, or you’re just trying to get home before you have an accident.

You don’t have to be a hockey fan to get this one. The Buffalo Sabres were recently ranked by a sportswriter as the 32nd best team in the NHL. The problem with that is that’s there’s only 31 teams. This guy said they’re worse than the Seattle Kraken team who haven’t even started playing yet. This reminds me of former player Ray Ferraro telling a story about a tussle that he got into once on the ice and teammate said he finished third in the fight.

I know this might be a bit of a stretch but I’m all about reporting things accurately. I actually read the most accurate headline ever written on the CBC website; “Apathy might be what’s keeping Canadians from ditching the monarchy.” That is, after I found out that apathy means lack of interest. It appears that our constitutional relationship with the Royal Family ain’t changing because nobody really cares about it in the first place. The amount of money these people have and the disconnect they have for ordinary people make me want to re-do the Barenaked Ladies tune, “If I had a Trillion Dollars.”

Mark Taylor is a long time Courier columnist whose views on life and living are usually unconventional and definitely outside of the box. He’s a true Charlotte County boy who has the right to remain silent, but not the ability.