Courier columns – Rollin’ on the River with Mark Taylor

“I come from a family of workaholics. You just mention work to them and they go get drunk.” – Rodney Dangerfield

I wanted to pass along some information I hope will be helpful to the readers. As you all know, during the pandemic, haircuts were hard to come by, so I had to be creative. I drove to Saint Andrews and managed to intertwine cedar boughs into my long locks. I also attached a couple pine car deodorizers to my shirt. I then laid down on a sidewalk and within a few minutes, I had deer chomping at my hair and when it was all said and done, I had a wonderful haircut. I can’t believe I was the only one who discovered this little piece of information.

I think it’s a case of when the world gives you lemonade, add booze and ice cubes to it. I know I get a lot of the popular sayings screwed-up, but I think I have this one right. Unlike George W. Bush, I avoid the whole “fool me once,” saying as I cannot get that correct. I do feel bad that I didn’t pass along this idea earlier as I’m sure others could have taken advantage of it. One thing that surprised me was that nobody ever said, “Hey, your hair looks like it was chewed off by a herd of deer.”

Listen, I’m fully aware of the way companies want to protect their brands and copyrights. This is probably the biggest deterrent for me actually hitting the big time with all of my great ideas. For instance, I thought that “Shake and Bake” would be a great name for a crematorium business. However, the last thing this cat needs is to go and start up a great business, only to have Kraft and their lawyers “Dewey, Soakem & Howe” coming after me with their big words and fancy suits.

I’ve always marvelled at old cars and how they don’t build them like that anymore. Take the ’57 Chevy’s for instance. If I could get my hands on something like that, it would be a dream come true. I can just me cruising around in something like that with my iPod blasting out the old Elvis and Carl Perkins tunes from its speakers. I also want to warn you that yes, I am the kind of person who would put a “New Car Scent” air freshener and hang it from rearview mirror.

I have an amazing story that I thought that it needed to be told. A long time ago, I knew a guy who was looking at getting involved in the aquaculture business. This was before any of the companies in our area even thought of farming salmon. Somehow, this guy heard or read about this and actually approached both the provincial and federal governments to see if there was any interest. It turns out that they were interested and were willing to offer up services to put it onto action.

Of course, it took quite a while to get the wheels turning as everybody knows that in governments, the tape is so red you couldn’t put it on a hockey stick. He ordered 1,000 salmon smolts from the governments to start the ball rolling.

Then, after every single one died, he ordered another 1,000 and they died within the first day as well. It was then that they decided that they’d try 2,000 and see how that worked out. Once again, they all died immediately. Well, in the spirit of provincial and federal cooperation (there’s a new term that I just thought up) they sent scientists down to take a look and offer up expert advice. After a few months went by, a report was released and the findings were staggering. Both of the scientist types concluded that the deaths were result of “planting the salmon too close together.”

Mark Taylor is a long time Courier columnist whose views on life and living are usually unconventional and definitely outside of the box. He’s a true Charlotte County boy who has the right to remain silent, but not the ability.