Courier columns; Rollin’ on the River with Mark Taylor

“Before you marry somebody, you should make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” Will Ferrell

I know I’m probably not supposed to be letting cats out of the bag, but here goes. The biggest reason is this revelation could get me investigated by PETA, and I don’t want that. Let’s just say I’ve got something up my sleeve that will probably make me a very wealthy guy. I have approached by no less than four major TV networks to do a show called, “Bonnrivo.” It’s a detective series about a Latin investigator in Southwestern New Brunswick that I will write, produce and act in once I decide on the best deal.

Not to ruin it for everybody, but I will patrol the countryside in a side-by-side looking for crimes and solving them along the way. I view myself as the human version of the Littlest Hobo. During my patrols, I will be faced with many major crimes that include tree-stand destruction, illegal picking of tips, election sign damage and people starting rackets. I already have the promo written; “He’s ready, willing and able (stolen from pogey cards) and he’s ready to take on crime. He’s Bonnrivo!” There’s a voice that keeps on calling me…

I read about a possible law change in Denmark. They are trying to shut-down prisoners with life sentences from forming new romantic relationships. To me, it smells of discrimination right away. I mean, how come some father-raper doing 10-20 years can have a girlfriend but somebody who worked so hard at murdering people cannot? We’ve all heard about women who are attracted to the “bad boys,” and now they have to settle for somebody who is not a lifer? I think the real reason behind this attraction is that women can actually have male companionship, but don’t have to pick-up and clean after them, smell their gas or put up with their vile and disgusting habits. It’s the best of both worlds. I remember when I pitched my show, “Who Wants to Date a Guy with Good Stamps?” and couldn’t get that off the ground. When I read that in 2015, Danish inmates set up a Facebook dating group, called “Date an Inmate”, which within two weeks had garnered around 10,000 members, I was obviously upset.

Now that the election is behind us, it is probably time reflect on the merits of actually letting politicians put their signs all over the place. It appears that some people are quicker on the draw in getting them taken down too. You’d think it would take the less time to take them down than it would to put them up, but what would I know about the subject? I seriously doubt that they have little effect on who people choose to vote for and are really a nuisance that we don’t need to endure.

If there anything positive about campaign signs, it’s the people who actually get up off their couches and go out and bust the heck out of them. I’m always a firm believer that people should exercise more and this seems like a great way to get into it and maybe do some venting while you’re at it. “Wow, Bob, ever since they called the election, you appear to be so much more slim and trim. You been working out?” Really, in my mind, the only way I think they work is if you happened to have a recognizable name. For instance, if your name was “Charlie Manson,” voters would probably take notice and get behind you. I know it would cause me to say; “Charlie Manson? Wow, I bet that guy can really get things done and won’t take any foolishness. That’s who I’m voting for.” By the way, I’ve already written Charlie’s slogan; “Am I crazy or does this country really need some great leadership?”

Mark Taylor is a long time Courier columnist whose views on life and living are usually unconventional and definitely outside of the box. He’s a true Charlotte County boy who has the right to remain silent, but not the ability.