I’ve known this girl for a few years and she’s my best friend. I’m 25, she’s 24. I always had more than friendship feelings for her, but never told her because of the risk of ruining our friendship.
Three months ago she started dating a friend of mine, so I put my feelings aside and lived with it. Last week we all went to a party at her boyfriend’s house. When I left with a pal of mine, he told me he talked to her. She said she liked me and was with her boyfriend but didn’t feel in love. She was confused.
Needless to say, I was surprised. A few days later we all went out again and she told my friend the same thing. Now I don’t know what to do. Should I tell her how I feel?
I’m not the kind of person to move in on another guy’s girlfriend. But I don’t think I can go on with my life without sorting this out first.
Dustin
Dustin, when a guy does the long walk across the dance floor to ask a girl for a dance, he asks her. He doesn’t start talking about music and the friends they have in common.
When a guy says “I like movies” and a girl says “I like movies too,” the next line out of his mouth should be, “Want to go to one with me?” But if he steers the conversation to movies in general, he will end up as her friend.
You don’t go to friendship with a woman you want to date. You get her answer. No guts, no glory. When you dither, it’s as if you have broken your own legs. Hanging out and hoping things will just happen is the formula for failure, and her past inaction may be your answer.
What you are really asking us is, how do I get unstuck?
If you can’t live without her friendship, don’t ask and date other women. If you are ready to drop the pretense of friendship, ask. If she says no, accept her no and move on without her.
Wayne & Tamara
Without A Doubt
I have been with my boyfriend over a year and have started to feel stuck with him. He is 11 years older than me and I feel like I’m missing out on my youth.
He wants to settle down soon, but I haven’t lived yet like he has. I love him, but I don’t want to regret not being able to be young while I can. He has a child and I have been in her life. I don’t want to hurt either of them, but I don’t want to lose myself either.
Hannah
Hannah, your letter has a note of regret in it, as if you can’t mention the real issue.
Is what you wrote the stand-in for “with him, this wouldn’t be special”? We get married, he’s already been married. We have our first child, he’s already had a child.
When a woman is involved with a man with children, she often feels, I can’t walk away from a child. But children have people who move in and out of their lives all the time.
School teachers, babysitters, relatives. Just because you were involved in her dad’s life does not make you this girl’s mother.
Your feelings for this man don’t override your doubts and hesitation. That means the feeling you have for him will one day turn to ash. Your feeling will become “you trapped me.”
You must do what is right for you. Ultimately that will be right for everyone else. The truth is, when people get divorced and say “we just grew apart,” they don’t remember the early feelings that this was not meant to be.
Wayne & Tamara
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