“I love in scary movies where the person yells out, ‘Hello!’ As if the killer is going to be like, ‘Yeah, I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?” – Dana Cook

Rollin’ on the River Mark Taylor

I saw a story last week about some of the residences at UNBSJ that have been treated for bedbugs. Knock on anything wood, including my head, I have never had any encounters with these critters. From all accounts, they are not all that much fun and not really welcome anywhere. I harken back to my younger days when the word “crazy” was able to be used to describe just about anything and anybody and bedbugs were used as a measuring stick. “Look at that guy on TV yap- ping about politics, he’s crazier than a bedbug.” A couple of my all-time favourites are crazier than a pet coon or the ever-popular bag of hammers. Believe it or not, but “nut” was also an acceptable term to call someone back then and all you had to do was make it plural, and it became an adjective.

One time a teacher called me, “Super Crazy,” which did baffle me for a bit, then I realized that I was just regular crazy but I was wearing a cape. I remember a time when society used to think it was acceptable to put all of us in the same location and one time I became somewhat famous as a result. I was just sitting around twiddling my thumbs, saw an open door so I decided to escape. The headline in the Telegraph Journal the next day read, “Nut with a loose screw bolts.” Another story I noticed last week was one about regrets people have on their deathbed as compiled by a palliative care nurse. Of course, I skimmed it because I wanted to make sure I didn’t do any of them if I should ever be in that situation. One was that people wish they hadn’t spent so much time working so hard. I always heard that hard work never hurt anybody, so there’s really no sense in taking any chances. This one was a bit baffling – “I wish I’d lived my life the way I wanted, not how others expected me to behave.” Well, I’ve gotta say that one thing that I’ve almost achieved is just knowing how to behave in public and it’s a work in progress. I guess people also regret losing touch with so many of their friends. If you’ve ever heard the song “Sweet Revenge,” by John Prine, there is a line in it that says, “All of my friends are not dead or in jail.” It depends on how old you are, but I can tell you that when you reach a certain age, these are two very likely possibilities.

Not being brave enough to express your feelings made it onto the list, and maybe another way of saying that is that you wish you would’ve given some people a piece of your mind. The problem with this is that a lot of people can’t really afford to be doing that if you know what I’m saying. There were only five of these, and the last one was people wish they would’ve been able to let themselves be happier. My comic hero George Carlin one said, “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.” I gave my daughter a sign one time that read, “The most important things in life are not things,” which kind of backs up George’s quote. Of course, I thought of another regret that people might have and it’s not really for the person in the bed; it’s more for someone who’s visiting. “Geez Dad, I’ve being thinking and now I realize that unplugging your life support system to charge my phone was probablynot a great idea. My bad.”

The Saint Croix Courier