Rollin’ on the River: “I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.” – Mitch Hedberg

Mark Taylor

Once again, I’ve found myself getting “drug” into the world of astrology. Yes, curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was the suspect. “Your three most annoying traits according to your Zodiac sign,” is what drew me in this time. Yup, my poor Earth sign Taurus people and me getting chastised because we were born in a certain time of the year. Here’s the dirt on me and my peeps: “Taurus people tend to be very practical, sometimes to a fault. Their practical nature can sometimes mean an excessive need to play it safe and spend time alone.” Even though I probably read the word “practical” many times, I had to do some research and make sure what these people were saying about me. Yup, you guessed it; I am now more uninformed than I was before I did the internet research. Well, here’s the knock-out punch for me: “Tauruses also have a tendency to be overtly lazy. Unless money is involved, of course, because this sign really does value material wealth.” Just to drive the point home, they include a picture of a guy sleeping with weights in both hands using an exercise ball for a footrest.

I remember when people used to make fun of me because I had a dog that wouldn’t chase cars. He’d sit on the side of the road and take down license plate numbers. I now think he was just practical because he knew he’d never catch one and wouldn’t know what to do if he did. I always say, “Don’t be mad at lazy people. They didn’t do anything.” Also, if you knock on the door of your psychic and they say, “Who is it?”, keep on trucking.

I recently skimmed a story about the best post-workout drinks. Of course, this wasn’t something I had done a lot of research on but was eager to find out if one of my favourites was on the list. I want to say right up front that I’m not making this up. It actually said beer was a good post-workout drink. Beer, in moderation, may help replenish glycogen levels and help balance fluids. After all, if you remove the alcohol, beer is a fermented drink made of water, hops and malted cereals. C’mon, I don’t think you’ve ever heard anybody say that they are playing in a beetroot juice or protein shake hockey league.

Another story I browsed was one about meanings of popular songs like Baby One More TimeStairway to Heaven and Sweet Emotion. The one that really surprised me was Twinkle, Twinkle, Little star, which I’m sure everybody is aware that I wrote back in the ’70s. This article said, “The comparative lyrics help children develop their imagination and learn the concept of analogies.” Wow, hammer, meet the nail and hit it hard on the head. The one song that wasn’t included was José Feliciano’s song, Feliz Navidad (or known to some as Maurice, Light it Up). He may have written Puff the Magic Dragon, too, if you know I mean.

I am of the vintage where people used to know what you meant if you said, “you had some hot stuff for sale.” If you told somebody that today, they’d probably think you were peddling chicken wing sauce. I don’t usually shop in the secondary market so I’m not up to speed on what people call stolen goods nowadays. I bought a nice little chainsaw earlier in the summer that was on sale and the price was unbelievably low, which was okay with me. I like to offer up advice to businesses and sometimes think I could be the marketing manager for any company because of my outstanding ideas. I think putting an ad in the paper or on the internet that says, “We will beat any crackhead’s prices on goods or we will refund your money,” or “Our prices are so low that even the crackheads shop here.” I think most local people would pick up what you’re throwing down.

Mark Taylor is a long-time Courier columnist whose views on life and living are usually unconventional and definitely outside the box. He’s a true Charlotte County boy who has the right to remain silent, but not the ability.