Rollin’ on the River: Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have diarrhea

Mark Taylor

I must confess that I have never watched a mixed martial arts (MMA) match in my life but have seen highlights on sports programs.

I was browsing the internet headlines the other day and found a story about a guy who knocked his opponent out by kicking him in the head. Just because I don’t watch MMA doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy a good donnybrook once in a while. Yes, I said “donnybrook,” which is a term that doesn’t get used enough in my books. If I see a couple guys drop the gloves in a hockey game, I’m not going to the bathroom while it’s going on. If I see a pitcher brush back a batter, and the batter storms the mound, I’m not going to check my pizza. I get it. These guys get paid good money to beat people up and do it on their own terms without being pressured into it. I just think that if I were running things, I’d go the Jerry Springer route and bring in people who don’t like each other. To me, it would make things a lot more interesting if you had people who had stolen somebody’s property, busted the TV remote control or ate all the ice cream. I always like to quote some of the greats and sometimes even make it topical, so here’s a quote from the world’s greatest boxer Muhammad Ali: “It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” I like to call these true facts.

I have often thought of myself as a self-proclaimed psychic, and it goes way back to my early days. I’d go through stretches of towing the line around the house, but invariably, I’d find a way of pushing the limits. As with any nasty deeds, punishment would be handed out, so I became really good at predicting the future. Whenever I would get sent to my room by the warden, I had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen when my father got home. You can just imagine how interested I must be in horoscopes and all the zodiac signs. In fact, if you’ve read this column for a spell, you would know that I actually write a column in January for all signs about what to expect in the upcoming year, so I definitely know what I’m talking about.

Now, when I saw a story written by “Redação,” titled, “Here are the 3 softest zodiac signs,” I was all over it. To give this story credence, they brought in a “professional” astrologer, Carol Starr, who says the three softest zodiac signs have one big thing in common. Apparently, there are types of signs (fire, air, water and earth) and they all have different qualities and characteristics. According to Starr, the earth signs are the softest and if you guessed that I am one of the earth signs, you guessed correctly. I am a Taurus, which means that in general, the bull people go about their days calmly, peacefully and in control, even when challenges arise. Yeah, that’s me unless somebody were to eat all the ice cream. Starr also says people like me know that by looking at all sides of the picture and coming up with a reasonable solution keeps everyone calm. Starr added this tidbit about the Taurus crowd too: “They’re often quite quiet, but they always have the best words to contain an outburst. They may not be the first to find a solution to a problem, but their softness will help to anchor everyone’s energy whenever there’s chaos.” Wow, does Starr have a hidden camera at my house? When I go from zero to 100 in five seconds on some telemarketer/scammer, that must be me using the best words to contain an outburst. I’d tell you what some of the words are sometime when the paper hires Stevie Wonder to proofread this stuff. Hey, I never wish death on people who have wronged me. I do wish for sudden explosive diarrhea while stuck in traffic with frequent sneezes.

Mark Taylor is a long-time Courier columnist whose views on life and living are usually unconventional and definitely outside the box. He’s a true Charlotte County boy who has the right to remain silent, but not the ability.

Mark Taylor

Mark Taylor is a long-time Courier columnist whose views on life and living are usually unconventional and definitely outside the box. He’s a true Charlotte County boy who has the right to remain silent, but not the ability.