Rollin’ on the River: “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.” – Groucho Marx

Mark Taylor

Just in case you may have missed them, there are several large wind turbines in the Spruce Lake Industrial Park that are somewhat visible if you’re driving into Saint John from Charlotte County. I happened to notice them last week and came up with what I think is a great idea. I am proposing the city move the Atlantic National Exhibition to this location. I don’t think it would take too much work to add seats to the fins of the turbines to make some really nice rides for the exhibition. It would make people feel good about doing something green for the environment plus scaring the living daylights out of anybody who would get on the rides. The one thing I haven’t worked out is how to shut them down and let the people off and let new customers get on the ride. After all, I can’t do everything; somebody will have to take this one in for the touchdown. I got it to the one-yard line, c’mon man. I think it was the late Johnny Carson who said, “If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.” Years from now, people will be saying that if it wasn’t for Mark Taylor, people would still be getting on lame carnival rides.

I don’t have the statistics on me, but the percentage of people who successfully kill off their partners doesn’t seem to be that high. I saw a story last week about a California lady named Tatyanna Remley who “allegedly” tried to hire some blabbermouth friend of hers to kill her husband. Apparently, this big mouth was offered $2,000,000 to do it and went running to the cops about it. Her husband also alleges she burned down their house. This woman can’t seem to catch a break. They had two business ventures, an equestrian-type show and a luxury cycling studio that both went belly up. I kind of know what an equestrian show is all about, but wasn’t familiar with what a cycling studio might be. According to Google, there aren’t any such thing in Charlotte County at this time and it appears to be a place where you get on stationary bikes, pedal your guts out and pay people to let you do it at their facility. I think this type of thing might go over big in Charlotte County. All you’d have to do is to get a bunch of four-wheelers and jack them up off the ground so the wheels weren’t touching. Then, set up a large projection screen for the riders to watch and you’re in business. People would come from all over the world to sit on an ATV while swilling suds and admiring old dusty roads. I bet Tatyanna regrets not contacting me for some good business advice. Now she’s facing a charge of solicitation of murder and two weapon charges. When I read these types of things, I think of politics in the United States. It’s like Biden and Trump are a feuding couple fighting for custody and all the American people want to do is to go live with Grandma.

Maybe Tatyanna should have considered another possibility, sologamy. Yeah, I never heard of it either, so don’t feel bad. It’s the practice of marrying yourself. I skimmed the news story on the subject and have to say there’s a whole world out there that I’m completely unaware of. It appears that the weddings are a lot cheaper, you can re-marry again without divorcing yourself and it’s something you won’t regret later. I can just imagine people talking about me if I did this: “I hear Mark Taylor is getting married to some idiot from Bonny River. He’s got a wedding registry online and all the items involve beer and hot wings.” Groucho Marx once said, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” I probably wouldn’t marry anybody that would have me as a husband.

Mark Taylor is a long-time Courier columnist whose views on life and living are usually unconventional and definitely outside the box. He’s a true Charlotte County boy who has the right to remain silent, but not the ability.