Rollin’ on the River with Mark Taylor


When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them – Rodney Dangerfield

One of the things I really like about summer is the ability to sleep with the windows wide open. I can take some cool weather as long as I can breathe the fresh air. There are always bad things that come with the good things and that is the noisy animal music festivals that start around 4 am. That’s when the opening act starts; the Tweety birds who I would liken to somebody like Air Supply or James Taylor. Then, after an hour or so, the crows pipe in with all their screaming. Yes, Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath have taken the stage, folks, so beware. Don’t get me wrong, these acts are all stuff I like – I am just trying to draw some comparisons in case you may not have them performing in your neighbourhood.

Once in a while, the AC/DC of the area rolls into town and it of course, they are the woodpeckers! No matter how tired you are or how good you are at blocking out things, this is a hard one to ignore. However, if you are dead tired or can sleep through anything, I challenge you to overlook the times when the skunks land at the festival and start lighting up their marijuana cigarettes. This is when I have to get up and close the windows altogether. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I must admit there was a time when I was a very naïve person who believed that there was good in almost every person in the world. I also believed what was on the news or in print was a true representation of the facts. Then, I figured out how the world was really run and opened up my eyes a little. You can just imagine what The Saint Croix Courier would look like if I owned it.

I’m not saying it wouldn’t be entertaining, but it probably wouldn’t have much content that you could “take to the bank.” I think the people of Charlotte County are probably best served with me just having my say in 600-700 words rather than the whole shebang. I don’t think we need to read headlines like, “Bull Moose Executed After Receiving Prank Call from a Potential Mate.” As I sit and watch news channels like CNN, I realize that no matter what your views may be, you can make sure they are out there to the public.

For instance, I could get you a poll result that says nine out of 10 women asked thought that the large the beer belly a man has, the sexier he is. Notice I didn’t say I only polled 10 women? That is the way a lot of news works. I think that if CNN really tried, I’m sure at some point they could find something intelligent coming out of Donald Trump’s mouth or on Twitter, but they’d never show it plus there are only 24 hours in a day. 

I’ll never forget the guy I knew who bought a talking centipede for $150. It was in a matchbox and when he got it home, he immediately started trying to get it to talk. He asked the little bug, “Hey, you want to go get a beer somewhere?” Nothing. He gave it another hour or so and once again asked if he wanted to go for a cold one. Nothing. At first, the guy thought it was just shy and was getting used to the surroundings but was starting to think he may have gotten ripped off by the pet store. Then, after several hours, the guy yells at the little insect – “YOU WANT TO GO AND GET A COLD BEER OR WHAT????” The centipede turns his head toward the guy and says, “I heard you the first time. I’m just putting my shoes on!!!”