Rollin’ on the River with Mark Taylor – Defensive eating and other great tips


Last week I discovered that I had officially reached adulthood. I realize there will be people who will dispute this – but hear me out. I guess I kind of thought when I had kids of my own, I might have reached it, and the seemingly endless barrage of bills came at me, that was another clue.

I recently cracked open an ice cube tray, and a cube fell on the floor. Instead of kicking it under the fridge, I reached down and picked it up. Be on the lookout for clues that perhaps you are getting there too. By the way, spinning a bread bag and tucking doesn’t count. I’ve been doing that for years.

There is something that has always been going on, but I recently stumbled onto the fact that it actually has a name. You know how sometimes you may be at a buffet, or even a family gathering, and some of the good stuff is in short supply?

Of course, the logical thing to do is to either stuff your cheeks full of it, or put sideboards on your plate, and load it up. This natural-occurring phenomenon is known as “defensive eating.” I’m sure you know many people who have mastered this skill. Of course, another way of doing it is to pick up a bunch of stuff, maul it, and say, “Hey, anybody want some of these?”

Is it just me, or do I seem to have a lot of interaction with all kinds of people I don’t know? Last weekend I got the brainwave that I was going to change my satellite TV programming around, and save a few bucks. I did this during a hockey game, and immediately lost the channels on which was being broadcast.

Of course, they close up shop early, and I was out of luck. I called the next night, and was assured that everything was working. When nothing happened that night, I called back, and some guy named Mike said he was going to help me. When you call, they ask you if you are calling from 506-755-…..(?)

Then, when they pick up, they ask you your name and address. I get all of that, and why it would be required due to the amount of idiots we have in the world. Still, after all of that, Mike says, “Okay, Mr. Mark, we are going to fix this.”

During his spiel, I asked Mike if he believed that people could predict the future. He didn’t know what to say, but asked why I said it. I told him that I could have predicted the night before that I would be calling him. He didn’t know what to say again. I have to say that Mike knew his stuff, and my programming came back just the way I had ordered.

I had all kinds of lines for Mike, like how I was going to be a doctor, but I didn’t have the patience, but decided old Mike probably wouldn’t get them, so I laid off it for a change.

Have you ever noticed how people don’t really pay any attention to anything you say? I know; I’m a good one to be complaining about this, as people who live in glass houses shouldn’t get stoned.

You will meet people, and they will say, “How ya doing?” We all know people don’t really care what you say, even if you really had a legitimate issue going on in your life at the time that you were going to discuss. I figured this out last weekend, when a store clerk asked me if I wanted a bag and I told her, “No, I want to save the plastic trees. In fact, all of my fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them.”

The response was, “Okay, thanks.” Of course, there is always the possibility that my jokes are just too deep for people to figure out. Another good one is when you are buying a pizza tell them that you want it sliced into six pieces because you couldn’t possibly eat eight slices. Maybe even cut into four slices to be sure.